Four Years Later

Today is a very strange day. It is a day of remembered grief and happiness, with strong feelings of both hope and fear.

The date itself is one that is burned onto my memory - my son was born on this day, four years ago. March 9, 2009, just after noon. If he had survived his heart surgery as an infant, our lives right now would be very different. For one thing, it is likely that we would just now be returning to Thailand to live, having spent the last several years in the United States, with their more advanced capability to support children with severe heart defects. Pui and I would not be nearly as financially sound as we are now. Our lives would be much more difficult. Though if we had a choice we would be in that situation, because then we would have Nong Pat with us.

But he is not. That is a source of sadness for us, but there is also joy.

Four years ago today I got to hold my son just after he was born, and he looked right at me. Pui and I did everything we could for him, and were prepared to sacrifice everything we had left to keep him. We are sad it did not work, but we are at peace with ourselves in that there wasn't anything else we could have done. We can celebrate the time we had with him without regrets.

So today we are sad he isn't with us, but we are happy to have known him, and grateful for the time we did have.

And now, to make our emotions for the day truly mixed, Pui is pregnant again. We have another baby on the way, and so far everything looks good. It's only 18 weeks along, and there is so much that can go wrong, but we are very hopeful. Each milestone we pass with no problems is like lifting a weight off our backs. Strong feelings of hope for a healthy baby and fear that something might go wrong are now fixed features in our lives. I think it will be this way until the baby is actually born, and I can hold my second child while it looks right at me.

Then our worries can truly begin.